Tonight I met up with a professor of mine from college who was in town for a conference. Dick wasn't just a professor to me though, he was a mentor, and most importantly: a friend.
At one particular point in my life, when I was at a cross road on who I was to become, I looked around at all the people I respected and came to the conclusion that 20 years down the road my life would be the most fruitful and fulfilled if it looked like Dick Pritchard's. Needless to say I have an extreme respect for the man.
So amidst Shrimp Purloo, Peacan Pie, and a waiter that probably wished we hadn't taken a seat in a small, Midtown restaurant for 2.5 hours: tonight we discussed everything under the sun.
As the meal was wrapping up - but still an hour before we would leave - we began to discuss communication and relationships.
When I was in Dick's class, he assigned a book called "The Contemplative Pastor" by Eugene Peterson.
I didn't read it.
Dick knew I didn't read it (as with pretty much most of my assigned reading).
But I very much remember it's content and the discussion that came from it.
In the book, Peterson makes the point that we learn three languages in order:
intimacy, naming, and persuasion.
From our first moments in life we learn words of love - which in reality have little to do with actual words. We then proceed on to "naming" - it is here we get an understanding of possession. With possession understood, we finally complete our verbal development with "persuasion" - or the language needed to persuade in order to attain that which we want to posses.
It should be noted that this isn't just in romantic relationships. It translates to all relationships: parents, friends, co-workers, mentors, mentees, customer service agents, the homeless man on the street. Everyone.
The irony I pointed out is that I have essentially fallen into a profession that is hyper-focused on persuasion, opinions, belief systems, and world-views. And I think it is precisely because of this that for a while now I have felt a heightened struggle with most of human language in contemporary society being focused on persuasion. Something that if I would have read Peterson's book, I would have probably dealt with 4 years ago.
Unfortunately though, the causality of this sad state of affairs is intimacy.
I blogged about this before, but it bears repeating. I think one of the most powerful movie trailers I have ever seen was for the movie Crash. The line that hit me was, "...nobody touches you...I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
When we remain stuck with persuasion in our relatinoships, intimacy gets thrown aside. But our desire to fulfill our lives with persuasion and attaining that which we have named, unfortunately only leaves us emptier for it.
I have been thinking about respect a lot recently. And despite the title of the post, not the singer Aretha Franklin R-E-S-P-E-C-T type of respect, but rather the original intent of its writer Otis Redding R-E-S-P-E-C-T type of respect.
I have shared this here before but it is worth reiterating; in Shaunti Feldhan's For Women Only, she details that 74% of men would rather feel alone and unloved than disrespected and inadequate.
When I read those words for the first time over three years ago, I said, "you can definitely count me in that 74%." Probably to an (unhealthy?) extreme.
And while all this time I have reiterated her statement as true, it wasn't until this past month where I realized not only how true it is, but how closely her statement is tied to the level of quality in a man's life - assuming I can speak for the 74%.
More on this in a second.
Another thing Shaunti discusses is how we have this idea of unconditional love, but not unconditional respect. In a relationship, somehow love is a given, but respect has to be earned.
She goes on to say that this works out great for women; but truth be told is a little unfair to men (and yes I know there are many - probably more - things that are unfair to women).
I had two people in my life that up until a few months ago I would have put in the category of people who "unconditionally respect me." And then abruptly that stopped - one at least a little deservedly so and the other was completely out of left field for still no apparent reason.
These aren't fringe or even close friends - who might respect you becuase you are funny or becuase times are going well.
These aren't people one works for or with - who might respect you because of a need you fill for them.
Heck, these aren't even always family members - who might respect you because of obligation or tradition or heritage.
These are people whom we get our strength from; people we get our identity from. These are the best of friends and the closest of family members.
I could count 7 total people in my life that are like this, now it seems that is 5.
But what has been more surprising than anything is how its effects have gone beyond their and I's relationship and effected the entire quality of life. So in addition to grieving the loss of a relationship (or maybe not a full loss, but at least a loss of what once was), there is the added consequence of it effecting confidence and joyfulness and self-esteem and all the things that make life good and worth living. All the things that, as a man, I have come to identify myself as.
While Aretha might have missed the boat a bit, Shaunti is right on the money. R-E-S-P-E-C-T matters more than even I thought.
A Turkish airliner went down yesterday. Not going to blog about it, and just leave it at my theory is windshear.
Speaking of airliners going down, I am boarding a flight today to go to Denver. Spending some time skiing and hanging out with friends and family. Doing what I love, cramming as much stuff in a "(extended)-Weekender" as possible.
Thursday hang with Heather.
Friday skiing at Vail with sister, brother and mom
Friday night meeting up with Molly
Saturday more skiing at vail with the fam
Saturday evening hanging with Nicole
Sunday church with everyone plus Grandma
Sunday afternoon pick up Asher because Andrea is also in Denver and I figured I'd do my part to actually help a stay-at-home mom who never gets a day off actually have a full day off
Monday fly home!
Going to be a blast.
But with the fact I am going on a weekender and the fact that I feel like life has been too contentious recently, I decided I am going to blog a light-hearted and hopefully funny post. And since I can't seem to blog about anything - including Bobby Knight - with out my relationship status being brought up, I figured I wouldn't fight it.
My friend Cecily always makes fun of me for giving my business card out to women when I ask them out on dates. She also makes fun of me for things that I do not say when asking girls out, but that she thinks I should because it would be hilarious and conceited and pretentious and hilarious (yeah I said it twice).
She tells me I need to add these to the back of the business cards to let all the potential ladies out there know just how awesome I am.
These include:
Executive Producer of THE (emphasis on the) Allen Hunt Show
Homeowner
Humanitarian
and my personal favorite... "I am a pretty big deal in Charlottesville"
Why Charlottesville you ask? Well because a month ago we added Charlottesville, VA as an affiliate and I told her and Justin that we did. Not really a big deal. We have added about 70 affiliates last year alone.
But for some reason Charlottesville stuck in Cecily's head so she wants me to introduce myself as "Hi I am Andy Borgmann, Executive Producer of THE Allen Hunt Show. Homeowner. Humanitarian. And you may not know this, but I am a pretty big deal in Charlottesville."
But Cecily shouldn't be the only one joining in on this fun. Why don't you.
If you know me, this is a great time to roast me. Have fun.
If you don't know me personally, I want to hear some of the best things you think I could put on the back of a business card that would be hilariously impressive to women.
(P.S. It should be stated for those who take life too seriously and have no sense of humor, I do not actually plan on doing this. You know who you are Matt!)
Many of you probably remember the post I did about six months ago on Is It Time For Online Dating? Well I got thrown under the bus again last night as Allen decided to use my poor dating record in 2008 as a discussion point.
About halfway through the show I put up a Twitter / Facebook update that said, "Allen has been making fun of my dating hardcore on tonight's show. Some one call in and defend me..." to which my wonderful friend Lissa replied, "I don't want to defend you, you serial monogamist, you. :) But, now I DO want a copy of the show. That's hilarious. Right on, Allen. :)" It's good to know you got friends who love you.
But to give Lissa what she wanted - because after all I am all about meeting the needs of the women in my life ;) - I segmented my part up. Take a listen (or the entire show):
Andy's Take On Online Dating...Six Months Later
Couple observations after re-listening to myself.
I blamed my job a lot, but didn't discuss the other factors as to why I don't meet a lot of 20-somethings. Purchasing a house in soccer mom central, not really liking Church small groups, etc...
Allen seems to think that online dating means you date online. Rather for his terminology, I think most 20-somethings do "online meeting." The idea here is that 20-somethings are dating more online in a down economy because they want the security of a relationship and online is where you find singles; not that people are dating online because it keeps you from spending money by going out. In reality, the people I know who do online dating spend way more money on dating than anybody else I know.
For the record - this can't be stated enough - I still don't have a womb, nor do I think at all about my non-existent biological clock. As my roommate put it when I discussed this with him today, if it is any clock it is really more of a "lifestyle clock" than it is a biological clock.
But I did mean what I said in the discussion. If you would have asked me six months ago - which Allen did - I would come down very hard on personally using online dating. After exhausting pretty much all the options I had with people I'd be willing to date, and not meeting any new people; six months later I find myself being far more tempted.
My roommate thinks I should do it (actually he almost signed me up over Christmas break with out telling me - again, great friends) and then I could blog about the whole experience. I am SURE everyone of the potential dates would love that. Although then I would be able to at least write-off the online dating fees ;)
Well no great conclusion on this one. I'll just end with this hilarious clip from How I Met Your Mother. I love this show.
I am not really a big fan of resolutions. I sort of think they are stupid. But I will say this, I miss the 2,164 mile, 28-hour drives I made 4 times a year at the beginning and end of every semester in college. Most of you are probably cringing at the thought. I loved them.
They were always such good times to either reflect a.) what the next four months would be about, or b.) what the last four months ended up being about. It was really good for me. I miss them a lot.
I don't have much like that now. Even long road trips aren't great reflective times, but rather my mind racing at a million miles per hour about what needs to be done when I am gone and when I get back. So I guess resolutions might be the best thing to do now that the road trip is gone.
So here are my 2009 "resolutions."
1. I am not going to miss big events in my family and friends lives - I missed a lot of stuff in 2008. Mainly weddings of people I very much cared for - but other things as well. It's hard with the show on Saturday nights. But this year I am taking steps to fix that. In November I booked a flight for my friends wedding in Oregon in August. I am also going to go out and see Sarah after she has her baby.
2. Take more "weekenders" - As I have blogged before, I love weekenders. Whether running off to the beach at Hilton Head in the summer or hoping on a plane and going far away. 48 hours away is great for me. I am going to go skiing with my sister in February. Visit Sarah in March. Probably get up to DC and visit Nathan in April. And a trip to Chicago in June. All Thursday - Saturday trips. Then it is beach time in Hilton Head all summer long. Actually trying to take a "weekend" this year. Anyone else want me to come and visit? I'll add you to the list.
3. Finally complete the new Allen Hunt Show Website - I have literally been talking about this for well over 18 months now. It's needs some serious revamping. Now that I have an intern this Spring, I might actually be able to get it done.
4. Paint the inside of my home - I'll be honest. I am not a big fan of the interior of my house. It's so bland and uncreative. Thus, by the end of 2009 - and maybe with some help by CJ and Andrea - the interior of my house will be completely re-done.
Well that's it. Enjoy. What are your resolutions for this year?
Andy is looking for both of these in his future wife. However, Andy is willing to compromise on #2 if #1 is true.
Also, I have a surprise third post-secret for this post but it is in response to a comment that I feel is looming by Sarah (probably) or Erik (maybe) or Allen (long shot). But don't leave it up to them - as all three might fail. It will only come when expected comment is said.
Be sure to visit Post Secret for more interesting looks into the human condition.
Last weekend I visited my brother in Chicago to watch his play. It was fantastic and my brother was brilliant. But at 36,000 feet on the way home I did something I have never done in all the 202,011 miles I have spent in the sky: I asked the flight attendant out to dinner.
She was beautiful - not slutty beautiful like she was doinking all the pilots on layover - just classically beautiful.
Typically I would talk myself out of asking her to dinner for two reasons: 1.) I assume she probably gets hit on a lot and 2.) I typically fly United or American who don't have any flight crew hubbed in Atlanta. But this was Delta, so there was a good chance she lived in ATL, and about 2/3 the way through the flight I said to hell with the other reason.
So I got out of 10C and walked to the back of the plane and asked if she was based in Atlanta. She said she was for now, but in a couple of weeks was getting moved to the Honolulu-hub. I told her that I thought "that was unfortunate as I think she is a very beautiful woman and I just wanted to see if she wanted to go to dinner sometime." We talked for another 10 minutes, I gave her my card after she told me she was moving back in a year, and that was probably the last I will ever see of Kate.
I told this story to three people upon my return to Atlanta and all three said something along the lines of that was ballsy. But what woman, even if she thinks you are hideous, doesn't want to be told they are beautiful? The worst thing that happens is you feel a bit embarrassed, and she goes home with her day made. What's the loss?
The opening line of the movie Hitch is: "No woman wakes up saying: 'God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today.'" Now that doesn't mean she wants to get swept up by me or you, but nevertheless she wants to be desired.
And men are really no different.
I know absolutely no one who doesn't want to find love. Don't read that so fast. I know absolutely NO-ONE who doesn't want to find love.
Think about that. We all differ on religion, politics, financial desires, sexual orientation, how many kids to have, and what movies we watch. We all differ on everything from the trivial to the profound. The one thing we all share is that we all want to love and be loved. I think that is beyond profound.
In a somewhat ironic twist, I came home later that night after the show and saw Taylor's Swift's new music video Love Story for the first time. In a risk of embarrassing myself like I always do, I love Taylor Swift's music. And at the risk of sounding gay, Love Story is both incredibly well-written, and a phenomenal video. It captures the Shakespearean desire every single one of us share even in the trivialist of all moments like walking from class or riding on a plane 7 miles above the earth.
This flight didn't end in a Love Story for me or Kate - but I saw a beautiful woman and took a risk and tomorrow hopefully I'll get the chance to do it again.
The night before, my friends and I were talking at a local bar about what I was thinking of doing. To which they were making fun of said plans.
So to defend my berating I responded: "I have had more relationships1 than both of you combined2."
To which Henry replied: "yeah, but I have had a longer relationship than all of your relationships combined."3
To which I replied: "I am not arguing with that. I don't have a problem entering relationships, I have a problem staying in relationships."
To which our (hot) waitress jumped in and said: "ahh, now that is the real problem."
But this draws me back to a conversation I had with another friend about 10 months earlier. Jenny is a successful, attractive, fun girl who takes her faith seriously but also has a bit of a wild streak to her. Needless to say, someone I think should be a catch. But she was lamenting in one of our annual coffee meetings about how she - nor her friends - get asked out very much. To which I responded, "that is because most Christian boys don't have any balls."
Which brings me back to the evening of asking her on the date. As I walked downstairs, I told Matt she said no. Matt looked at me and said, "you just flat out asked her out." I said sure. He said, "that takes balls man."
Now I know LC is out there somewhere rolling his eyes and wondering why I am blogging about this, but I am going on.
I have never let the fear of rejection stop me. It isn't to say that I like it. And it isn't to say that I don't get nervous asking people out. I don't know too many guys who actually like the nerves it takes to put yourself out there. But the nerves shouldn't disable somebody from going for it.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But at least there is no wondering. At least there is no beating around the bush.
But to wrap up. I would say three quarters of my relationships - and probably another half-dozen dates that didn't develop into a relationship - started by asking out of the blue and putting myself out there. And a little rejection won't change that.
(To end with a little humor: Once again, I know how JD feels - although my pitch wasn't nearly as pathetic as his, but at the same time it also wasn't as funny)
It's a surprisingly cold March evening in a city much further north than Atlanta. Two teenagers find themselves in a cheap, Pontiac Grand Am - that is at least a decade old - after a high school sporting event. She had been there to cheer the team on to victory; he was suppose to take her home afterward. But neither of them really wanted to go home and - since there was no school the next day - they went for a drive. The two had been dating for sometime, and as teenagers often to do, they thought they were in love.
It was one of those drives that as they get older they will have less and less. Drives that really have no purpose - just an excuse for spending more time together until curfew. A drive that always ends too soon, but a drive that lasts forever in the memories reserved for the "good times."
On this particular drive, one thing lead to another on the starless night, and the two made love. It was the kind of love that those older and more experienced wouldn't call great, but it was all that they knew, and it was great for them. And just because the greatness might have been lacking, the mechanics worked the same, and against all odds, one of the million sperm released found its way to its destiny. It was a sperm that would change everything. And the only witness to this unexpected world changing moment was a moose...
Admit it, until you got to the moose part, you thought I was writing about my own experience? But there are no moose in Indiana and this isn't my story. It is the story of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston - with some creative liberties I am sure.
Bristol Palin is the 17-year old daughter of Sarah Palin - John McCain's running mate. And in a move that caused everyone to rollover in their grave, Bristol Palin is 5-months pregnant, and John McCain knew this and still selected Sarah Palin as his running mate.
My first thought is if you would have told those teens whenever/wherever they were doing it that this event would have national implications, I bet they would think you are crazy. But then I realized what I really should be thinking about is how glad I am the mistakes I made in high school (and beyond) weren't under the national spotlight.
But here is where I am going to make everybody, no matter where you stand on this story, angry. This story both highlights the hypocrisy of Republicans/Christians, as well as the illogic of the Democrats/Secularists.
I am not for politicians, pastors, and leaders stepping down in their roles when they make stupid personal morality decisions. I have been saying so for years. Whether we want to admit it or not, the mindset behind those who think leaders need to be perfect come from those who subconsciously think they are perfect...and that there families are perfect.
But Republicans & Christians a like (not saying they are the same) need to recognize that most of us are hypocrites, but that is ok. That's the point of grace. Life is messy. Families are messier. And we all do stupid things from time to time. The idea that "Sarah Palin can't run her household" or that "Bill Clinton shouldn't have been leading a country" is absolutely ridiculous. Some of the greatest leaders of all time have had huge moral failures in their life, but with out them, this world would be drastically different.
Two Examples (I could list more): The Apostle Peter & Martin Luther King, Jr.
Liberals on the other hand need to stop using this as an example of a woman's and/or family's "right-to-choice." Just because a family chose to keep the baby, does not change the moral question of when life begins, and therefore, the value of not taking that life, one bit.
Those who read this know that I am open to the discussion on when life begins. But the idea that Bristol's situation indicates that we shouldn't defend life is absurd at best, and deplorable at worst.
I will say one more thing that will infuriate everyone even more. Levi & Bristol should not be getting married. A shotgun wedding is taking a bad situation and making it a permanent, worse situation. If the kids are in love and would have gotten married anyways, then fine. But a baby is never a reason to marry. It doesn't make the conception anymore "holy," and it shouldn't make everyone else feel better with the situation.
My sympathies go out to Bristol and Levi. To use a hockey term: who knew two teens slipping one past the goalie would have such large implications on the election of the most powerful man in the world.
On a side note, I have been asked by a few to comment on my feelings about Sarah Palin as VP. I will do so in a blog that will be release on Monday. Enjoy the weekend.
So Allen comes to me this past week and says, "I think I want to do a show on online dating. Did you know there are over 1,300 online dating sites? What are you thoughts about online dating?" Before he even uttered all that, I knew this was going to be a topic where I was thrown under the bus. Sure enough, the topic title: "Is It Time For Andy to Use Online Dating."
If you have the time, listen to the whole show (30 minutes long). We had a good time. We had Les Parrott on there. Les is the founder of eHarmony marriage, and a very good friend of Dr. Neil Warren (the guy in the eHarmony commercials). Plus I got to play P!nk's U + Ur Hand and Avril Lavinge's Girlfriend as rejoins - and we all know I am weird and for some reason like chick rock.
But for those who don't have 30-minutes. Here are two clips.
Allen's Monologue
Andy's Questioning & Response
The best part was when Mike South, a porn producer here in Atlanta and friend of our show, e-mailed this:
I gotta tell ya, I had the pleasure of a lunch with Andy a while back and I think, that if a young lady is looking for a Good Christian man who isn't judgmental, who is smart and modestly decent looking. She couldn't go wrong with Andy...I know lots of girls would date Andy but It might not be a "good fit"
Is he saying I have a small penis? Seriously. I am calling you out Mike South. Although, you did say that I am modestly decent looking, so I'll call it even ;)
Here are my problems with dating in general:
The older I get, the more "set" in my ways I become and the less I am willing to compromise.
I am a very weird mix because on one hand faith is super important to me, but on the other hand, I do not fit the "stereotypical" Christian boy (hence the lunch with Mike South and countless other examples).
I work super hard, find a lot of satisfaction in that, and am a borderline workaholic.
Here are my problems with traditional dating:
I don't know who is single and who isn't (and I am a horrible judge of age).
I hate church small groups. It's like the bar scene, except instead of awkward drunk conversations, you just have awkward theological conversations and/or are asked to watch VeggieTales.
Here is my problem with online dating:
I don't want to have to tell the story for the next 50 years of my life that me and my wife met through a website some old dude created with his Ph.D. buddies.
So what's a boy to do? Seriously. I know I get about 300 visitors per post, so I want to hear from all you. Have you used online dating? Was it a good or bad experience? Would you ever use it or do you think it is an awful cop out?
Andy's blog aims to be like a Scrubs episode, mixed with a Chuck Klosterman column, centered around the topic of faith. It is open, honest, raw, and a little embarrassing. It is a place to discuss religion, politics, ministry, pop culture, and well, just life - especially focused on the time of life we call our 20s!
Andy is the Executive Producer of The Allen Hunt Show; a progressive (in the literal sense), talk radio show based in Atlanta, GA aimed at bringing faith back into the public discussion. Andy enjoys travel, aviation, web design, politics, friends, and faith. He holds that the secret to a full life is loving God and loving people - which he fails at constantly.
Andy grew up in Fort Wayne, IN. He now lives in Alpharetta, GA.
I have been thinking about respect a lot recently. And despite the title of the post, not the singer Aretha Franklin R-E-S-P-E-C-T type of respect, but rather the original intent of its writer Otis Redding R-E-S-P-E-C-T type of respect.
My friend Cecily always makes fun of me for giving my business card out to women when I ask them out on dates. She also makes fun of me for things that I do not say when asking girls out, but that she thinks I should because it would be hilarious and conceited and pretentious and hilarious (yeah I said it twice).
Many of you probably remember the post I did about six months ago on 
I am not really a big fan of resolutions. I sort of think they are stupid. But I will say this, I miss the 
Last weekend I visited my brother in Chicago to watch his play. It was fantastic and my brother was brilliant. But at 36,000 feet on the way home I did something I have never done in all the 
Last week I asked someone on a date. She said no.
So Allen comes to me this past week and says, "I think I want to do a show on online dating. Did you know there are over 1,300 online dating sites? What are you thoughts about online dating?" Before he even uttered all that, I knew this was going to be a topic where I was thrown under the bus. Sure enough, the topic title: "Is It Time For Andy to Use Online Dating."
